Imagine struggling, striving, and working for the good of others. But then, when you have a need, there is no one with whom you can be honest and share your heart. Many pastors are going through this. Almost all go through it eventually. Before addressing possible ways to fix this, let me share details to illustrate the problem.

First, if a pastor is married, you would think they can talk to their spouse about anything. But this is not always the case. For example, a pastor learns details in counseling that can’t be shared with anyone—it would be unethical. The pastor may struggle to pray for a beloved church member and feel deeply for them, but the spouse must be kept in the dark. Counseling is not the only time. My church is elder-led. I, the pastor, am an elder who serves with other elders. If someone is being disciplined or otherwise corrected, sharing with my spouse may not be proper. All the elders know there are things they cannot share at the dining table at home.

Another issue with spouses as confidants is that each of us has different strengths. My wife is a wonderful, godly woman. She loves the Lord and is a prayer warrior. Decades ago, we went through some financial struggles. Money is a weakness for both of us. But I know that if the church struggles, I can only ask her to pray. I can’t give many details. Doing so hits her sense of security and leads to anxiety. To protect her, I keep the details to myself. Part of the issue is that I do not want her to worry. I also don’t want her to know if a person is attacking me at church. It is easier to be gracious to someone who is attacking you. It is harder to be this way to someone attacking your spouse. I want to spare her from that.

What about denominational leaders? Not all have this, but my denomination has District Superintendents (DS). These are supposed to be “pastors for the pastors.” But it has a history of not working that way for many. For decades in ministry, the last person I would share with was my DS. Thank the Lord this is changing, but can still be hit or miss. The problem is that the DS has a great deal of influence on your current and future positions. It is hard to share honestly—especially when what we need to share inspires a sense of shame or failure.

Let’s consider local church leaders—or members. We are supposed to be honest with one another. Scripture commands us to confess our sins one to another. How many in your church would you willingly confess your sins to? It is probably a small group. If you go to a Twelve-Steps program, you can share the worst things possible and be accepted. But share even a slight fault in a Christian church, and you might find considerable opposition. For pastors, this is even more true. Our people often expect us to be perfect. They forget that we are being transformed as well. No Christian is perfect, even us.

I suppose you could list Christian friends. However, the problem is that those friends are often not equipped to understand what a pastor goes through. I remember a few times trying to share some struggles with depression with some good Christian friends. What happened is what I call a “Christian drive-by.” Instead of listening and having compassion for the person struggling, you quote a passage of Scripture as if it is a magic pill to cure them: “Oh! Are you depressed? Take two passages and call me in the morning.” At least they didn’t just command, “Pray through!”

Pastors, we need someone to talk to. But we also must be careful. Transference can happen, and getting caught up in an emotional affair is easy. More than one pastor has ruined their testimony by getting emotionally attached to the wrong person. It is not hard to imagine a pastor sharing with a friend of the opposite gender who is not part of their church. This person seems safe. It is too easy for this to become something immoral and damaging.

So, what does a pastor do? There are a few options:

First, there is a professional counselor. If you have health coverage, it is easier. Don’t be ashamed to seek help. Perhaps it is simply someone with whom you can talk. At one church, my health insurance covered such. I found a retired pastor who was a licensed counselor and met with him monthly to talk. It helped greatly. He was ethically bound not to share. I could share what I needed. His background helped him understand. His training enabled him to help me. And his ethics kept the conversations confidential.

Second, one could find a few pastoral friends with whom to share. Doing this in the local community may not be best. Pastors located too close together can tend to see each other as a competition. For example, I have a great pastoral friend a few miles away. I love meeting with him and talking. However, I won’t share too much—and neither would he. I don’t believe he would ever see me as a competitor and use what I share to harm me. But we can get anxious about things. I don’t want to share and then lose confidence in my friend. “Should I have shared that with him?” Friendship is too important. If I don’t share certain things, I can be sure he can’t share those. However, I can’t stop there. I need to find others. There are pastoral friends in other cities with whom I can share. We meet by Zoom from time to time.

Third, you may have friends with whom you have a lengthy background. They may not be pastors, but are close and caring enough to try. Perhaps these would be old college or seminary friends. You may find they are going through similar things—or have recently. This way, you may get a listening ear and some sage advice from someone who has walked your trail.

Finally, there is something you need to make sure you have. You must have friends—real friends. I don’t mean only church members or fellow pastors. I mean friends. You know what those are—people with whom you can be without an agenda. I have some old Army buddies I can spend time with. We don’t get to often but have taken some trips together. One year, we went fishing on Lake Eerie. Four days of sharing old stories, laughing, and fishing! Another year, we took a cruise with our spouses. We can spend so much time in our offices and our heads that unplugging can be helpful.